Adoption Thoughts: Surrender

I'm not a very eloquent writer.  I don't usually have much to say to a public audience.  I don't feel like the thoughts that roll around in my head are worthy of publishing.  And I don't feel sad about any of that-it is just the way I am.  There are other great things about me.  If you want to have a fun party, call me up.  Need ideas for a great family vacation at the beach?  I got those!!  Need plans for a crafty playgroup or a fun home school lesson?  I'm your girl. Trying to juggle lots of small people with a joyful heart?  (So am I, maybe we should look for help together!)  But this blog thing?  Not really my forte-yet, for some reason, I feel pushed to jot down some of the things God is telling me right now.  Maybe it is so that I will remember them later.  Maybe so that my kids can read them someday, or maybe just so that as I see them in print God can remind me of how he is working.  Or, maybe a reader needs a word from Him.  So, here I go.

This journey called adoption is not what I thought it would be.  There are many misconceptions that I had when we entered this process nearly two years ago.  Here is what it is NOT:
A rescue mission to save two precious little girls from a life of poverty and want
A chance to teach my biological children how to be selfless people
A really good thing to do to help someone
A neat way to expand the family
A way to turn our hearts toward another country
A joyful pursuit
A wonderful thing to do
A warm-fuzzy feeling that wells up inside you
A character building experience as you learn to wait for God's timing

I could go on and on.  There are many things that I thought this journey would produce in us as a family.  (Not the least of which was two new daughters who would have joined us by now).

But the reality is, this journey is not any of those things listed.  This journey is the slow, careful and methodical  process of bringing me (kicking, screaming, crying) to the point of surrender.  For a person who likes to be in charge and who likes organization and nothing out of control, this is a monumental task.

The reality is, the only rescue mission happening here is the one where God painfully rescues me from my own ideas and notions of how this should go.  The  teaching of selflessness in this situation is not for the children, but for me as I learn to do things God's way, not my way.  The awe, wonder, goodness, and warm fuzzies come not from the girls who will one day have a home here, but from the reality that no matter how much I pout, complain, whine, or cry out to God, He will STILL hear me and He will STILL stand with me, and He will STILL not let me go and somehow STILL LOVE ME.

Maybe I am a slow learner.  Maybe in my heart things had taken root that really needed a lot of work to remove (like the wart on my son's toes which we have been working on for a very long time)  Over the course of the past six months these adoption misconceptions have begun to clear up in my head and I feel fully surrendered.....fully  free to enjoy where God has me right now.  Where is that, you ask?

Stuck with a heart in two different countries.
Praying without ceasing for my six children, only four of whom I can lay hands on right now.
Waiting for his perfect timing....sometimes with confusion, but always with Thanksgiving.
Learning to live FOR HIS GLORY in this present moment since this is all that he has promised me.
Trusting that what I feel (despair, impatience, hopelessness)  is not always what is real.
Loving being here even on days when my heart draws me to Haiti and longs to be holding two little girls who captured my heart when I first held them over a year ago.
Rejoicing in the plan that God has for this family that will result in two more seats filled around our table.
Surrendered to His plan, His timing, His love.

Jeremiah 33:3  Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.