Adoption Thoughts: Already....but Not Yet

We are closing in on the end of 2013.  January always brings the promise of new opportunities, and new chances to set our homes and lives in order.    Ahhhhh,  the endless list-making opportunities for Type A personalities!  Typically I am giddy with excitement at the star of a new year.  But this year I am dragging myself across the finish line of 2013.
 
Back in June we were all but assured that our adoption would be finished up by then end of the year.  There was no good reason why the girls would not be home with us to start off January.   Page after page of the calendar have flipped.....but no news is coming our way.

I am not sure there is actually a word to describe the feeling.  It is not sadness, nor is it depression.  I guess the best word is unsettled.  We are living between two countries, between two families.  Actually, the best idea to apply here is one from vacation Bible school this summer.  An idea that God has introduced to us in his scriptures.  We are ALREADY......but NOT YET.  The girls already bear our last name.  They are already our children.  Their future has already been sealed in God's plans.  But, they are not yet in our home, not yet in our daily lives, not yet beginning the next chapter of their story.  This isn't sadness, because we have great hope of what it will be like when they arrive.  It isn't depression because there will be joy when they sit at our dinner table soon.  But, it is unsettling because we long for what we cannot yet have, and we desire to hold in our arms the gift we know we will soon receive.

There is a restlessness that goes with this situation.  A desire to be together and begin our life as a family of 8.  But there is a longing to make the most of every minute we have now.  There is a comfort and a peace in this life we are in right now, but there is also a promise of something greater.  Isn't this is the same wrestling we sometimes feel as we anticipate Christ's return and the end of this life as we know it now?  We long to begin our eternity with Christ under his rule.  We seek to know what that new Heaven and New Earth will be like.  But we also enjoy to joys and blessings that this life has to offer.  Some days we are comfortable here and are not ready to leave just yet, while others we fervently ask Christ to come so we can move on to the bigger and better life he holds for us.  So we find ourselves unsettled.

Alas, 2014 begins this way.  We are Already.....but Not Yet.  And being that way is unsettling.  But for now, we'll cling to the HOPE that comes in being Already.  We are Already chosen for His purposes, saved by His grace, and promised abundant life.  We are already living in the goodness of what Jesus Christ did for us in his life, death and resurrection.  We are already a family of 8.  We are already in love with the daughters we do not yet have.  We are already counting the days until they are here.

Maybe by the start of 2015 we'll be starting to see some "Not Yets" realized in tangible ways!!

Happy New Year

Adoption Thoughts: Surrender

I'm not a very eloquent writer.  I don't usually have much to say to a public audience.  I don't feel like the thoughts that roll around in my head are worthy of publishing.  And I don't feel sad about any of that-it is just the way I am.  There are other great things about me.  If you want to have a fun party, call me up.  Need ideas for a great family vacation at the beach?  I got those!!  Need plans for a crafty playgroup or a fun home school lesson?  I'm your girl. Trying to juggle lots of small people with a joyful heart?  (So am I, maybe we should look for help together!)  But this blog thing?  Not really my forte-yet, for some reason, I feel pushed to jot down some of the things God is telling me right now.  Maybe it is so that I will remember them later.  Maybe so that my kids can read them someday, or maybe just so that as I see them in print God can remind me of how he is working.  Or, maybe a reader needs a word from Him.  So, here I go.

This journey called adoption is not what I thought it would be.  There are many misconceptions that I had when we entered this process nearly two years ago.  Here is what it is NOT:
A rescue mission to save two precious little girls from a life of poverty and want
A chance to teach my biological children how to be selfless people
A really good thing to do to help someone
A neat way to expand the family
A way to turn our hearts toward another country
A joyful pursuit
A wonderful thing to do
A warm-fuzzy feeling that wells up inside you
A character building experience as you learn to wait for God's timing

I could go on and on.  There are many things that I thought this journey would produce in us as a family.  (Not the least of which was two new daughters who would have joined us by now).

But the reality is, this journey is not any of those things listed.  This journey is the slow, careful and methodical  process of bringing me (kicking, screaming, crying) to the point of surrender.  For a person who likes to be in charge and who likes organization and nothing out of control, this is a monumental task.

The reality is, the only rescue mission happening here is the one where God painfully rescues me from my own ideas and notions of how this should go.  The  teaching of selflessness in this situation is not for the children, but for me as I learn to do things God's way, not my way.  The awe, wonder, goodness, and warm fuzzies come not from the girls who will one day have a home here, but from the reality that no matter how much I pout, complain, whine, or cry out to God, He will STILL hear me and He will STILL stand with me, and He will STILL not let me go and somehow STILL LOVE ME.

Maybe I am a slow learner.  Maybe in my heart things had taken root that really needed a lot of work to remove (like the wart on my son's toes which we have been working on for a very long time)  Over the course of the past six months these adoption misconceptions have begun to clear up in my head and I feel fully surrendered.....fully  free to enjoy where God has me right now.  Where is that, you ask?

Stuck with a heart in two different countries.
Praying without ceasing for my six children, only four of whom I can lay hands on right now.
Waiting for his perfect timing....sometimes with confusion, but always with Thanksgiving.
Learning to live FOR HIS GLORY in this present moment since this is all that he has promised me.
Trusting that what I feel (despair, impatience, hopelessness)  is not always what is real.
Loving being here even on days when my heart draws me to Haiti and longs to be holding two little girls who captured my heart when I first held them over a year ago.
Rejoicing in the plan that God has for this family that will result in two more seats filled around our table.
Surrendered to His plan, His timing, His love.

Jeremiah 33:3  Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.