Adoption Thoughts: Already....but Not Yet

We are closing in on the end of 2013.  January always brings the promise of new opportunities, and new chances to set our homes and lives in order.    Ahhhhh,  the endless list-making opportunities for Type A personalities!  Typically I am giddy with excitement at the star of a new year.  But this year I am dragging myself across the finish line of 2013.
 
Back in June we were all but assured that our adoption would be finished up by then end of the year.  There was no good reason why the girls would not be home with us to start off January.   Page after page of the calendar have flipped.....but no news is coming our way.

I am not sure there is actually a word to describe the feeling.  It is not sadness, nor is it depression.  I guess the best word is unsettled.  We are living between two countries, between two families.  Actually, the best idea to apply here is one from vacation Bible school this summer.  An idea that God has introduced to us in his scriptures.  We are ALREADY......but NOT YET.  The girls already bear our last name.  They are already our children.  Their future has already been sealed in God's plans.  But, they are not yet in our home, not yet in our daily lives, not yet beginning the next chapter of their story.  This isn't sadness, because we have great hope of what it will be like when they arrive.  It isn't depression because there will be joy when they sit at our dinner table soon.  But, it is unsettling because we long for what we cannot yet have, and we desire to hold in our arms the gift we know we will soon receive.

There is a restlessness that goes with this situation.  A desire to be together and begin our life as a family of 8.  But there is a longing to make the most of every minute we have now.  There is a comfort and a peace in this life we are in right now, but there is also a promise of something greater.  Isn't this is the same wrestling we sometimes feel as we anticipate Christ's return and the end of this life as we know it now?  We long to begin our eternity with Christ under his rule.  We seek to know what that new Heaven and New Earth will be like.  But we also enjoy to joys and blessings that this life has to offer.  Some days we are comfortable here and are not ready to leave just yet, while others we fervently ask Christ to come so we can move on to the bigger and better life he holds for us.  So we find ourselves unsettled.

Alas, 2014 begins this way.  We are Already.....but Not Yet.  And being that way is unsettling.  But for now, we'll cling to the HOPE that comes in being Already.  We are Already chosen for His purposes, saved by His grace, and promised abundant life.  We are already living in the goodness of what Jesus Christ did for us in his life, death and resurrection.  We are already a family of 8.  We are already in love with the daughters we do not yet have.  We are already counting the days until they are here.

Maybe by the start of 2015 we'll be starting to see some "Not Yets" realized in tangible ways!!

Happy New Year

Adoption Thoughts: Surrender

I'm not a very eloquent writer.  I don't usually have much to say to a public audience.  I don't feel like the thoughts that roll around in my head are worthy of publishing.  And I don't feel sad about any of that-it is just the way I am.  There are other great things about me.  If you want to have a fun party, call me up.  Need ideas for a great family vacation at the beach?  I got those!!  Need plans for a crafty playgroup or a fun home school lesson?  I'm your girl. Trying to juggle lots of small people with a joyful heart?  (So am I, maybe we should look for help together!)  But this blog thing?  Not really my forte-yet, for some reason, I feel pushed to jot down some of the things God is telling me right now.  Maybe it is so that I will remember them later.  Maybe so that my kids can read them someday, or maybe just so that as I see them in print God can remind me of how he is working.  Or, maybe a reader needs a word from Him.  So, here I go.

This journey called adoption is not what I thought it would be.  There are many misconceptions that I had when we entered this process nearly two years ago.  Here is what it is NOT:
A rescue mission to save two precious little girls from a life of poverty and want
A chance to teach my biological children how to be selfless people
A really good thing to do to help someone
A neat way to expand the family
A way to turn our hearts toward another country
A joyful pursuit
A wonderful thing to do
A warm-fuzzy feeling that wells up inside you
A character building experience as you learn to wait for God's timing

I could go on and on.  There are many things that I thought this journey would produce in us as a family.  (Not the least of which was two new daughters who would have joined us by now).

But the reality is, this journey is not any of those things listed.  This journey is the slow, careful and methodical  process of bringing me (kicking, screaming, crying) to the point of surrender.  For a person who likes to be in charge and who likes organization and nothing out of control, this is a monumental task.

The reality is, the only rescue mission happening here is the one where God painfully rescues me from my own ideas and notions of how this should go.  The  teaching of selflessness in this situation is not for the children, but for me as I learn to do things God's way, not my way.  The awe, wonder, goodness, and warm fuzzies come not from the girls who will one day have a home here, but from the reality that no matter how much I pout, complain, whine, or cry out to God, He will STILL hear me and He will STILL stand with me, and He will STILL not let me go and somehow STILL LOVE ME.

Maybe I am a slow learner.  Maybe in my heart things had taken root that really needed a lot of work to remove (like the wart on my son's toes which we have been working on for a very long time)  Over the course of the past six months these adoption misconceptions have begun to clear up in my head and I feel fully surrendered.....fully  free to enjoy where God has me right now.  Where is that, you ask?

Stuck with a heart in two different countries.
Praying without ceasing for my six children, only four of whom I can lay hands on right now.
Waiting for his perfect timing....sometimes with confusion, but always with Thanksgiving.
Learning to live FOR HIS GLORY in this present moment since this is all that he has promised me.
Trusting that what I feel (despair, impatience, hopelessness)  is not always what is real.
Loving being here even on days when my heart draws me to Haiti and longs to be holding two little girls who captured my heart when I first held them over a year ago.
Rejoicing in the plan that God has for this family that will result in two more seats filled around our table.
Surrendered to His plan, His timing, His love.

Jeremiah 33:3  Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.

Archival Extraction

Bummer news of the week:  a file has to be extracted form the archives before we can get out of IBESR.
I don't have any idea of what the archives in Haiti looks like, but that sounds daunting and LONG to me.Frustration set in rapidly this week and was quickly followed by grumpiness and maybe even a little feeling of depression.  The feeling of being separated from two people you have grown to love, and of not being able to help bring you back together is harder then I imagined .  

Excellent news of the week:  This is all accounted for in God's plan to bring you home.  This week I was reminded by my best friend that God appointed your homecoming day long ago-even before I knew you would ever be a part of my life.  He has set aside the right time and life situation for you to arrive in Virginia.  For Him to give in to my desires right now would be akin to a mom giving in to a toddler who can't see, know, or understand that there is something much better in store.  So today I am thankful that God loves (and you!) me enough to not give me what I want, rather he gives me what He has deemed best.    What a mighty God we serve.

Thank You President Martelli!

Through this entire process there has been one major hurdle that we have known we needed to cross in order to have a successful adoption.  It was not a need to overcome the fear of the process.  It was not a need to bond to our girls.  It was not the need to raise thousand of dollars to get them home.  It has simply been a signature on a piece of paper.  Simple.  Well, the signature had to be on just the right paper, from just the right person.
Today, Friday, March 8, 2013 we were notified that the Haitian President, Mr. Michel Martelli, has agreed to allow us to adopt Sunshine and Sleyca.  We have received our Presidential Dispensation!  This requirement, though overwhelming to us, was not problematic for the God who has brought us down this road so far.  Shouts, tears, ice cream, and game night all celebrated this monumental event for us.  The girls are one step closer to coming home. 
Our hearts right now are seeking God and persistently asking him to get the girls to us in June of this year. Lord, our hearts ache for these girls.  Make them ours, and please bring them to our home.  Upon arrival, may it feel for them like their own home.  Would you grant us the desire of our hearts and bring these girls into your eternal family, and into our earthly family? Today in your word, Lord, you told me from Psalm 84 that 
 the Lord God is a sun and shield;

    the Lord bestows favor and honor;

no good thing does he withhold    from those whose walk is blameless.

Lord Almighty,blessed is the one who trusts in you. 

Father, please do now withhold good things from us and from the girls.

God is putting His love all over us

This week marks two big milestones.  First, a year ago this week Daddy and I began this journey to get you girls into our home.  We did not know at that time who God had chosen for our family, but we did know that we would be parents to at least one more little girl (because God is GREAT and always exceeds our expectations, He blessed us with not one, but TWO little girls!).  Also this week marks the one month point of my return from Haiti.  My heart is slowly healing from leaving you again, but it is taking a long time.  I miss you, think about you, pray for you, and just want to be with you.
What God is showing me right now is that e is the same God every day of our lives.  He is still strong, capable, and mighty.  He is still in control, in charge, and alert to my situation.  He knows that you are far away from me, he knows that I want you here with me, and he knows when that will happen.  The really good news is that he knows my heart, and he loves me.  He has good things planned for me.  He hears me when I talk to him about you, and he hears you when you talk to him about me!  He loves us equally, knows what is best for us, sees our futures, and still chooses to have us apart for now.  Though it is hard for me to not have you, I am trusting this alert, capable, and mighty God and his plan for you and me and us.
Earlier this week Silas told me that before he went to bed he want to put his love all over me.  Then he gave me a bunch of kisses.   That brought a smile to my face.  This week as God has shown me in his word that he is in control of our lives, it has been like God is "putting his love all over us" just like Silas put his kisses all over my face.
I love you girls, and I cannot wait to kiss all over you again, but in the meantime I am enjoying the love of our great God and I know you are too.

Home Again....For Now

After an amazing week together, you girls are now back home.  Back in your beds at Lifeline, back in your normal routine, back in life for school.  You are back home, at least the home that you know for now.
As I sit here processing all that I have learned about you, all that I have seen of you, and all that I have processed about your life it is hard to know where to go now.  Without a timeline for your flight to Virginia, I am faced to wait.  The waiting is hard because I know you now.  I know how you will respond to things I do and say.  I know how you will giggle when you are happy, and how you will shut down when you are mad, and how you will crash when you are tired and how you will play when you are ready.  I'll be able to imagine you in our house, in our family, in our life.  And when I think about what that will look like, I love it.
This week you learned much more English, you learned how much we love you, you learned that having a Nana is really great.  But sadly, you learned that it is not time for you to come home yet, and that you will have to stay at Lifeline a little while longer.
This week I learned much more Creole (yes I did understand all those things you were saying to your friends about me!), I learned how you live, and I learned how you cope with how you live.  I learned that you are wonderful sisters to each other, that you are beautifully made by God, and that you long for me as much as I long for you.   I learned how to better pray for you and for me while I wait for you.  I learned that God has good things in store for all of us in His timing.
Naomi Sunshine and Joanna Sleyka, I love you and I thank you for a great week together.  I'll be praying and preparing for you, and I will see you soon!
Mwen renmen ou!!

My sisters are in Haiti

Last week I was driving several children into DC to attend a Kennedy Center school performance.  Among the children were my two boys.  As young children often do, the conversations was a period of questions and answers about families.  None of it was of much interest until I heard Silas describing his family to a friend.  "That's my brother James,"  he points to James.  And I have two big sisters who are at the Hinces house today.  And I have two sisters who are in Haiti."  It made me nearly stop on the highway.  I was so touched by the way everything is black and white in his world.  Of course he has sisters in Haiti.  The way he stated it so frankly, though, was striking to me.  It made it sound as if they are just away on vacation.  They are often not real in my mind, but for him, they are real and accounted for, just not yet present in our car or at our dinner table.